just another tadabbur

Last week was a not-so-happy week  for me. Being depressed and frustrated.
Somehow, I want to share this experience of mine,
being 'revived' by the words of Allah.

And to make me realize that:

I'm just a human being. Just another slave of my robb.

But how we use the experience to make us a better person, and believing truly that Allah will always give us the best;
is what differs us from the disbelievers. And those who not knowing.

*

It was a calm winter dusk in Leeds.

I was sitting in the basement, reciting Quran.
Trying to find the tranquility that Allah has promised us with.
Trying really, really hard, after I haven't found one during a few rakaah of solah just before it.

As I was reading, I reached the verse 140 of Aali 'imran:

"Jika kamu mendapat luka (pada Perang Uhud),maka mereka pun (pada Perang Badar) mendapat luka yang serupa!..."

"... agar Allah membedakan orang-orang yang beriman (dengan orang-orang kafir), dan agar sebahagian kamu dijadikan-Nya (gugur sebagai) syuhada'...

.. and verse 141...

"..dan agar Allah membersihkan orang-orang yang beriman (dari dosa-dosa mereka)..."

and up till the verse of 145.

I stopped, as tears started to drop upon my Quran.
Yes. What I was going through was only a bit of what as-sabiqun al-awwalun had been through all way back.

And I started to comfort myself.

"If you think you are having a hard time, how about them?"
"What you are coping with now, is a blessing from Allah. To make you among the syuhada'!"
"And to purify you form all the sins and fahisyah that you have done along this path. inshaAllah."
"and do you think you can get to heaven now, even if your mujahadah and sabr is far from close to what you should have?"

"apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum nyata bagi Allah orang yang berjihad antara kamu, dan belum nyata orang-orang yang sabar" [3:142]

"dear me, purify your niah. That is the gift that Allah wants you to do. Ar-Rasul s.a.w. himself is only a human, even he is not deserved to be the intention for you to proceed in this path..."

"Dan Muhammad hanyalah seorang Rasul; sebelumnya telah berlalu beberapa rasul. Apakah jika dia wafat atau dibunuh, kamu berpaling ke belakang (murtad)?" [3:144]

 I went back to where I was reading.
Again, at the very next page, I was struck by the power of Allah's words. Subhanallah.

"...kerana itu, Allah menimpakan kesedihan demi kesedihan, agar kamu tidak bersedih (lagi) terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu dan apa yang menimpa kamu..." [3:153]

Subhanallah.
Sadness upon sadness. The feeling that I was maybe enduring back then.
A gift from Allah, so that I'll not be sad again inshaAllah.

"Dan setelah kamu ditimpa kesedihan, dia menurunkan rasa aman (berupa) kantuk yang meliputi segologan dari kamu, sedangkan segolongan lagi telah dicemaskan oleh diri mereka sendiri; mereka menyangka yang tidak benar pada Allah seperti sangkaan jahiliyah."

"...Allah berbuat demikian untuk menguji apa yang ada dalam dada kamu dan membersihkan apa yang ada dalam hati kamu." [3:154]

The thoughts of jahiliyyah. It may come out all of a sudden of a person.
The thoughts that I've once always and always have in mind:


"Aku dengki tengok ikhwah-ikhwah lain, beramai-ramai dikelilingi sahabat. Ada ikhwah dalam keluarga yang boleh dirujuk. Boleh seronok belajar sekali. Tapi aku selalu dan selalu ditempatkan dekat tempat yang kosong. Yang kering tanpa bi'ah. Yang takde ramai kawan boleh didampingi dan hepi-hepi!"

Astargfirullah. Faghfirli Ya Allah.

And Allah, being very very loving to us, test us, again and again, so that we can purify our niah as purified as it can be! Solely only to Allah!
SubhanAllah.

I closed the Quran, thinking of the greatness of Allah's words.
Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for your tarbiyyah.

*

Just a small tadabbur from me.
Indeed, the Quran is full of never-ending lessons for us. [54:17]

And again, the fact that, you and me, we are all ordinary humans, will never changes.
A makhluk that has its ups and downs of our iman.

But how we look and take our futur to be benificial to ourselves and others, and to the deen itself, differs us as dua'ts to others who are still waiting to be touched by the spark of tarbiyyah.

May it be benificial to all inshaAllah. =)